A Father’s Day Letter Part II
My dad responded to my 1999 letter with:
Dear David,
“Your recent communication was the finest letter that I have ever received. I understand it as an expression of your deep concern for our relationship.”
His Childhood
My dad goes into two long paragraphs of his childhood history with his mom and dad. He then answers each question one by one with great care and attention. He was an only child. He notes that there was a hint of over possessiveness from his mom (who later became an alcoholic- perhaps she already was when my dad was young).
Caught in the Middle Between Mom and Wife
My dad writes that he felt the need to acquiesce to his mom’s desires or at least his understanding of what her desires were. This continued with his marriage to my mom. My dad’s mom required that after work, my dad stop by and see my dad’s mom prior to going home to see his wife (my mom).
He writes that my mom “suffered” during this time but that he felt caught in the “middle” (I know what you are thinking…) He continued: “I had to please mother even in conflict with my mom/ his wife ”
I will Never Interfere
My dad closed his paragraphs with “I swore that I would never interfere in my children’s lives.” and… he underlined it.
Ok, this was extremely helpful information that I would never have received if I didn’t ask my questions.
I won’t answer each question from part 1. Each answer is a variation of the fact that my dad didn’t want to interfere in his children’s lives.
Emotional Disconnection
I grew up with zero to minimal emotional connection from my mom or my dad. This has thrown me into tremendous healing and growth and my great understanding of personal dreams, vision gifts and strengths. It is easy to dissect this writing and see the emotional withdrawal and fear that is inside of this person.
I love my dad and have great compassion for him. I am very complete with my journey. I am not the least bit sad for me but as I look at these words, I feel sad for him.
A Disease?
Emotional withdrawal is not talked about as a disease but I would say it is. It is missing the mark of love and connection that humans are made for. Emotional withdrawal can retreat into a hole passively or it can lash out in great violence, temper, destruction and alcoholism. . It can cause great harm to families, marriages and societies. In fact it has.
Emotional withdrawal is a disease that if not addressed and healed from – gets transmitted from generation to generation.
Father’s day was always a day of longing for me. You know those cute little pictures on Hallmark cards that show a father and a child intimately together… I longed for that. Naively, I thought I had it. But in God’s Grace and timing. I had what I needed all along…A drive to heal the past and grow closer and closer to love.
Love
Now, I see Father’s Day as simply a day to remember the past and be Thankful for the present. My two outstanding young amazing children who God allowed me to have with their amazing mom.
How in the world can a young boy without a role model and who dreamed of family ever have such a great family of his own? God only knows; He knew from the beginning.
This my friends is what makes up our life’s gifts. Gifts that are always weaved together with healing and love.